I thought my last post called Training Wheels was difficult. This one totally tops that one!
I am feeling many things right now. I am angry, ashamed, sad, and thankful this morning. Last night I attended Celebrate Recovery and the lesson was about denial. I couldn’t really think of anything I could of been in denial about. So I concluded that I must be in denial about being in denial. Surely there is something I am missing and I just don’t see it. A few days prior I was struggling with the feeling of always feeling invalidated in life. So maybe I am in denial about being validated. God validates me, right? Am I choosing to not believe that? I still desire for mans validation. Can I have both?
I went home and slept. I dreamed a dream that was so clear and real that it woke me up from my sleep. God spoke to me in my dream. Keep in mind that I am not one who interprets dreams and such. Matter of fact, I hardly ever remember my dreams and have wondered at times if I do dream. If you have ever had God speak to you then you know what I’m saying when I tell you, “God spoke to me!” You just know when it is God.
What he showed me was what I was in denial about. I have concealed myself, built up a wall of protection. This wall allowed me to “be” the fun cute giggly girl I can be. This wall protected me from my promiscuity. If I stay behind this wall; I won’t be tempted. I will not have to deal with or face temptation. Life will be easier and I can focus on the things I should focus on like raising my kids, working on my marriage, volunteering, etc. And God? Well, he will be proud of me. But what happens when I do not have that wall to hide behind anymore. Where does my validation go? How am I to stay a respectable mother in a Christian environment? Will I hide from God? Will I hide from my marriage, children, friends? Will I lose everything I have worked for and built up? The answer is yes. Without my wall, I am vulnerable, extremely vulnerable. I am a wolf in sheep’s clothing wanting to take others with me. In my dream God showed me how awesome my sin felt! Without my wall, I could have fun! I could feel good! Then right at the peak of my fun; he stopped it. Everything that I loved, valued, cherished was vanishing. He was showing me that my pleasure, my destructive ways will only be a moment of pleasure and a life time of pain. The most ultimate pleasurable things in life will not keep the pain of consequences away. He was also telling me; I have to come out from behind my wall. This is the denial I have been in. It is time to face my insecurities. It is time to allow God to heal this part of me that I have been trying to push away and pretend was not there. If I don’t do this; then I will stay right where I am in my growth with God. I will always be trying to complete that purpose in my life without ever having the full satisfaction that I did all I could for my God who sent His son to die for me!
This will not be easy. It is a HUGE insecurity of mine. I took the first step in coming out of denial. I saw my sin, I spoke my sin, I admitted my fault. I feel ashamed and guilty for my past behavior. I feel ashamed and embarrassed to know that the desire is still there. The funny thing is… I also feel thankful. I am thankful that God has shown me the ultimate pleasure and temporary satisfaction of my sin then to show me the devastating consequences. I also feel powerless to overcome this. It is something that I grew up believing and behaving for all of my life; even though I tried to hide from it during my adult life. It was still there! Only God can restore me to sanity and cure me from my addiction of this sinful validation. This is my next step in my recovery from sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. God is still refining me into His beauty.
I want you to think about what validates you. Don’t tell yourself the church answer, God. We all know, those who are Christians, that is who we are supposed to get our validation from. But what really does? How do you feel when someone thinner walks by you? Or someone with a nicer car pulls up next to you? Or when your neighbor upgrades to a more expensive home? Could it be a relationship that validates you? Maybe it is your job that gives you worth or your child who is the star quarterback? There are so many things in this world that pull for our attention and tell us it can make us feel special that it is your worth!
I will not settle for less than what God has in store for me! How about you? Where is your validation really at? Are you ready to settle for less or are you ready to gain the ultimate that God has waiting for your life?
I’m taking the Ultimate!