I’m going to open up here. I’m going to share a deep want that I have only now been able to pin down. It has been lingering in my heart for quite a while. I need to tell you a few things before I get to the point so bare with me.
Do you remember the last time you saw how proud your father was of you? Maybe it was when you graduated from high school, or received your college degree. Maybe it was when you first got up on those two wheels all by yourself! Whenever it was; think about how you felt. I can only imagine how good you felt to please your father and show him what you have accomplished. I’m not saying my father has never been proud of me. I just don’t remember or recall a time when he was. I felt I could never please him. It didn’t take long before I gave up as a child from trying to please him or “make him proud.”
Here is my point. Since I began counseling for all the abuse I have experienced in my life I noticed I have these desires that I didn’t recognize. I couldn’t explain what it was I was feeling. I trust my counselor. I write to him a lot. I call him and leave him messages. I love to tell him how I am doing. I tell him about my anger, about my sorrow, about my joy, about my success. When something happens, he is usually the first person I want to run to and tell. It also bothers me that I write to him and run to him for everything. Why do I have these desires to tell him everything I do! He is not my father, brother, or husband.
So last night I had some really exciting news that I couldn’t wait for him to hear. I see him on Monday nights because he is the pastor that teaches at the Celebrate Recovery program I attend each week. I catch him at the end of the meeting and tell him my good news. I am so excited as I am talking and probably look like a little girl who just rode her bike without training wheels for the first time. Because that is pretty much how I felt. But I was also scared. I was scared he would scorn me for jumping into something that I may not be emotionally ready for. I was so afraid of him not approving and saying that I couldn’t handle it. Guess what? He did not scorn me and tell me that it wasn’t a good idea. I was so relieved!
As I was driving home, ecstatic that I overcame my fear of telling my counselor, excited that he approved of what I was doing; it hit me! All of a sudden I could explain my feelings. All of a sudden I knew why I yearn to tell him everything I feel and do. I want him to be proud of me! I crave the attention from a father to say, “I’m proud of you.” I want a father to be proud of me. Ultimately, I know that I need to turn that desire to my Heavenly Father. For I know He is proud of me! I just have to remember it each and everyday so that one day my email, my phone call, my text, will be sent to God for his approval and not mans.
I will admit; I’m scared. I do not know if I have enough faith to stop looking for approval from my counselor. I yearn for that physical human interaction of approval. It is going to take time and trust in God to take care of my needs. Matter of fact, the more I write the more I don’t want to do this. I am finding that I am extremely dependent on him just listening to me. But, I commit right now to try to ride without my training wheels. Maybe I will start with removing just one at a time.
How about you? Do you have any training wheels that need to be removed? Can you commit to removing just one at a time? Try this with me. Let’s give a training wheel to God! Let’s glorify his name to others and show how He can be trusted.
If you’re with me on this let me know! Tell your friends so you have accountability. Post a training wheel on your Facebook page to show you are going to take one more step in trusting God. Will you do this with me? I need all the support I can get. Let’s do it together.